So, E3 is over and everyone has gone home. As the cleaning crews for the L.A. convention center finally begin to get the smell of bacon grease and body odor out of the carpets, video game bloggers and "serious" (read "paid") video game reporters return home to their pet snakes and basements to reflect on perhaps the greatest industry trade show that has ever existed. Boys and girls E3 is where the biggest names in the video game industry attempt to dazzle the crowds of reporters, bloggers and fanboys that have gathered in their sweaty, unwashed masses to play the latest games and stand uncomfortably close to beautiful women. Women who still have nightmares of being crushed between two obese men with hairy palms and will continue to need therapy long after the convention center lights have dimmed. Yes, this was E3 2010.
When I read about this years show at other video game news sites I can't help but wonder... what the hell are these people talking about? Did they see the same show that I did? When the big 3 gave their press conferences everyone who was anyone was there. Thousands of reporters crammed into the various convention halls just to see a glimpse of what Nintendo, Sony and Microsoft had been working on this year. With all these eyes on stage you have to wonder how the video game media could have been so wrong about what actually happened. Let me give you some examples:
Money Money Money Mooooooooney...MONEY!
Nintendo
This year was all about the 3DS. No doubt about it the 3DS is a hot piece of hardware. Everyone came away from the Nintendo press conference with nothing but good things to say about the 3DS. Evey article I have read says Nintendo hit a home run with this one (we will see). However, the lack luster Wii lineup was glazed over in almost every review of their press conference that I read. First off, how can the new Zelda Game end up looking crappier than the last one? The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess was released November 19th 2006 to critical acclaim but, did you know that game was originally designed for the GameCube? I'm not kidding, look it up for yourself. Not only does the new Zelda game look worse than Twilight Princess it's debut was riddled with technical problems. Anyone who watched Shigeru Miyamoto flailing on stage during that failed tech demo should have seen a perfect metaphor for the disconnect Nintendo has had with it's hardcore fan base. A fan base, which has had to put up with 4 years of Mario getting shoved down it's throat due to Nintendo's inability to come up with an original game idea that isn't designed for 6 year olds.
Mario, moments before shoving himself down your throat
Nintendo also introduced two new games that were re-makes of classic franchises: Golden Eye and Kirby's Epic Yarn. Golden Eye is being touted by every Video Game site from IGN to 1UP as Nintendo's attempt to reconnect with it's hard core fan base. Rus McLaughlin of IGN.com says:
"The return of GoldenEye is major. Popular shooters on Nintendo platforms are rare, but this one's the gold standard of shooters on any platform, and a contender for best motion control shooter in a suddenly crowded field. Oh, I'm sure somebody's willing to spend an extra $80 to play SOCOM 4 with Move, but I'm also sure they're in the minority."
Excuse me Rus, but I can answer the question of why someone would be willing to spend $80 to play SOCOM 4... IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A 8 YEAR OLD PS2 GAME! I am tired of this "Graphics doesn't matter" bull crap that everyone keeps repeating. Graphics do matter! Otherwise, no one would ever buy a new system. We would just keep the same system we have always had and never upgrade. Also, the same people that tell you Graphics don't matter will be the first ones in line for the 3DS. You know, the DS with better graphics. I bet Rus just can't wait to spend more than $80 to play the same DS games with better 3D graphics. So, quit crapping on my head and telling me it's chocolate rain. I am not buying that anymore and I am running out of umbrellas that don't attract flies.
Yoshi's Epic Yarn
Which brings me to Kirby's Epic Yarn. Touted as one of the most original looking games by IGN's Craig Harris, Kirby's Epic Yarn is just a rehash of several old ideas regurgitated several years later so that you won't recognize them. Kirby's Epic Yarn is just Nintendo touching themselves in the same place over and over again and everyone pretends like they have never seen anything like it before. Bull crap you say? I bet you are one of those people who love calling the Playstation Move "Wii HD". So, is it fair for me to call Kirby's Epic Yarn "Little Big Planet SD"? I think so.
WTF?
Microsoft
With more crazy ass French-Canadian acrobats than you can shake a croissant at, and in what should go down as one of the stupidest marketing decisions in E3 history, Microsoft launched the Kinect. Just like Blue Tooth headsets make you look like you are talking to yourself, the Kinect promises to make you look like you've lost your mind to anyone who can't see your TV from where they are standing. For $150, you too can look like a fool to everyone who ever cared about you all while enjoying the laggiest gaming experience since Leeroy Jenkins made his famous charge into the Rookery in Black Rock Spire. Oh, did I mention that the Kinect will actually take pictures of you playing a game so that you can show your friends how ridiculous you look? Personally, I think this feature has the potential to abused far worse than chat roulette and I am predicting articles talking about this soon after the Kinect launches. Yet, for all the potential pit falls that Kinect presents, most of the articles I read seem to have mainly positive impressions of Microsoft's latest foray into the motion controlled market space. IGN even nominated several Kinect titles for it's "Best of E3 Awards".
Also, it won't open the bay doors
The reality is, the Kinect is a dismal failure. Far from being the promised "controller revolution", the Kinect comes off as a slightly smarter eye toy without the voice activated commands (which aren't that innovative). On top of that, the Kinect falls short of both the Wii and the Playstation Move in one important area...buttons. It turns out you need buttons to play some types of games after all. For example, did anyone see any first person shooter games being shown on the Kinect? No? Neither did I. While the Kinect can see your body and allow you to control the game with your arms and legs, it isn't so good at seeing what your fingers are doing. So, how can it tell when you have squeezed a trigger? It can't. Translation: No FPS games for the Kinect. Even if they come up with a FPS game in the future it will probably have to control some basic functionality for you just to make the game playable (like how Forza Motorsport 4's handles the breaking and acceleration for you). This will turn any serious game into a dumbed-down party game. Doesn't look like much a revolution now does it? Also, IGN is really taking a beating in this rant but they deserve it. Under the category "Best Motion-Control Game" they nominate Kinectimals and didn't mention Sony's Sorcery. Anyone who thinks Kinectimals is a better motion controller game than Sorcery needs to have their press credentials taken away for stupidity.
Yeah, it also kind of reminds you of that
Sony
Sony took a lot of jabs from the so-called "Gaming Media" about their press conference this year. While I don't think they completely stole the show, they damn near walked away with it. Yes, Sony didn't mention some of titles we were expecting them to (The Last Guardian being the biggest disappointment) and people didn't expect much from the Move but Sony had one hell of a good press conference. One of the first things I noticed that was different was Sony actually gave hard dates for a lot of their games. Unlike Nintendo with it's now infamous "coming this holiday" crap. Which holiday Nintendo? 4th of July? Thanksgiving? hmmm? For all the games they didn't mention Sony did pull out a few surprises like Portal 2 and Twisted Metal. I am excited to see Twisted Metal is finally coming to the PS3 and it will go down as one of the best kept secrets of E3. No one expected it because *shock*, the head of the studio who developed the game lied to the press when they asked him about it. Oh, NOES! We were lied to. What is the world coming to? Seriously, the game media had a fit about it. Boo Frickin' Hoo! Cry some more everyone!
Portal 2 and steam on the PS3. WOW! What a huge surprise. Six months ago if you had asked Gabe Newell if he thought he would be standing infront of a crowd at the Sony Press Conference to announce a Valve game on the PS3 he would have probably laughed you out of his office... or eaten you. In either case, the answer would have been a resounding "Hell NO!". Yet, there we were watching Gabe nervously fidgeting up on stage like he had just spotted a cash only buffet and then realized he had left his wallet back at the hotel. Gabe had to eat crow infront of a large group of people who all knew the nasty things he had said about the PS3. Why did he do it you ask? The obvious reason of course, money. Having Steam on the PS3 is an opportunity he couldn't pass up. The Steam store will definitely see a sales bump from this and PlayStation owners will have access to the same superb game support that PC users have had for the past several years.
Two models who were incapable of escaping Gabe Newell's gravitational pull
People keep saying the Move is "Wii HD". Like that is supposed to be a dig at it. So what if it is a Wii remote knock-off? That's like saying Blue-Ray is just DVD HD... oh wait... it is. And, just like how Blue-Ray does everything better than DVD (Storage size, picture quality..etc) the Move seems to be doing everything better than the Wii. Take a look at Sorcery for instance. With 1 to 1 movement and the spell combination system Sorcery looks to be a better game than Harry Potter was on the Wii. Socom 4 looks awesome and way better than any Wii FPS I have ever seen. Plus, with games like Eye Pet coming soon, the PS3 shows flexibility in applications and software titles that the Wii is sorely lacking.
His name is Kevin Butler, long may he rein!
Lastly, Kevin Butler. About the only thing the rest of the gaming press and I agree on is Kevin Butler. His keynote was AWESOME and just what the fans asked for. Sony delivered one hell of an adrenaline pumped press conference. Unlike the Nintendo and Microsoft press conferences that could have made someone a fortune had they setup a stall selling energy drinks to the crowd. Microsoft had to pay for their audience's enthusiasm with free Xbox 360s, Sony just had Kevin Butler walk on stage. Enough said.
